She Lives With Ghosts
by choose joy xox
Summary: "She was so small, so broken. Life had thrown so much at her in such a short period of time. It would have been enough to break the strongest of people, but she had hung on for so long. Now she was at her breaking point, and he couldn't help but feel some degree of responsibility." A continuation of the Spoby scene in 4x21.


**I've_ l_iterally never spent so much time working on anything. Usually I get so excited that I have to post immediately, but this has been sitting in my doc manager for months because it never felt good enough. Finally I was like whatever. Posting it! It's basically the only Spoby scene from season 4 that I haven't elaborated on yet. And it's not that long. But immediately after the episode I knew that I needed more, but I ignored it. Then I got a tumblr prompt and couldn't ignore it anymore!**

**I just felt like there had to be more than what they showed us on the show. Enjoy! Review and let me know what you think!**

**The title is a play on a lyric from Taylor Swift's new song Bad Blood. "Bandaids don't fix bullet holes. You say you're sorry just for show. If you live like that you live with ghosts."**

TPOV

It wasn't where his mind should have gone, but as his girlfriend frantically ran up the stairs he couldn't help but reflect on how beautiful she was. Even when she was hysterical, even when nothing was making sense in her world. Even when she looked at him with betrayal reflected in her fathomless brown. She was still so beautiful.

She was so small... so broken. Life had thrown so much at her in such a short period of time. It would have been enough to break the strongest of people, but she hung on for so long. But now she was at her breaking point. And he couldn't help but feel some degree of responsibility. Maybe if he hadn't been so stupid and impulsive when he discovered -A's renewed game of torture, maybe if he hadn't been so focused on solving the mystery surrounding his mother's death he would have been able to pull her back before she fell so deeply down the rabbit hole.

But nothing could stop him from going after her right now. Because as much as he wished this was all new to him it wasn't. He saw that same desperate look in his mother's eyes more times than he could count. And he let her down. He dropped the ball when his mother needed him, but he would destroy anyone and anything that kept him from Spencer right now.

It wasn't that Spencer was weak. The exact opposite, really. She was the strongest person he had ever met, but there was only so much that someone could handle before the burden of their pain began to crush them.

He made his way to the stairs. He was jerked to a stop by Mrs. Hastings' hand on his arm. "Maybe we should let her cool down, Toby."

"With all due respect, Mrs. Hastings if you really believe that's what she needs right now you don't know your daughter at all." He fought to keep the venom out of his voice, because they were as at fault as he was. Spencer had deteriorated before their eyes, and not a single one of the people that were supposed to care about her the most noticed her downward spiral.

And with that he shrugged the older woman's hand off and took the stairs two at a time. As he neared his girlfriend's room he lost him self in the memories of the past, of the last time that he felt like this.

_The sound of a fist pounding against a door woke him up from a deep sleep. At first he thought it was on his own bedroom door, but after a moment of listening he knew that it was coming from down the hall._

_"Marion! Damn it, Marion you have to open the door!"_

_Goosebumps erupted down his arms at his dad's panicked voice. He never sounded worried or scared. He actually never really showed much emotion at all. So the fear in his voice was more pronounced and troubling than it might have been in another person. He groggily stumbled to his own door so that he could hear better._

_"Marion, please-" his voice broke at the end. Was he crying?_

_Toby cracked the door open and peer into the hallway. His dad's head was leaning against the bathroom door, his shoulders slumped in defeat. "Dad?"_

_He glanced back. "Everything's fine, Toby. Go back to bed."_

_He nodded and pulled his door mostly shut, just leaving a crack wide enough to peak out of. Nearly as soon as his dad finished speaking the door opened slowly, and his mom stumbled out and into his dad's arms. Her pink pajama bottoms and sweater were completely soaked, and water dripped steadily onto the hardwood floors. "Oh God, Marion. What did you do to yourself?"_

_"I just- I wanted to be clean. I'm sick of- of-" she trailed off. "Is Toby alright?"_

_"He's fine. But Marion, I think you should go talk to-"_

_She shook her head. "No, I'm fine."_

_His dad looked reluctant, but he nodded in the end. "If you say so. Let's just go to bed."_

They continuously gave his mom a pass. It was okay if she wanted to stay in bed until 4 pm. It didn't matter if she wore the same pair of pajama bottoms for two weeks straight. What mattered was that she insisted that she was fine. But she wasn't fine, and by the time they were ready to force her into getting the help that she so desperately needed it may have been too late.

He wouldn't let that happen to Spencer.

He opened her door and slid through the crack. At first he didn't see her, which nearly gave him a heart attack. But then he noticed her curled up in front of her bed. "Spence," he breathed. He crossed the room in three large steps and crouched on the ground across from her. He wanted, with his whole heart, to reach out for her. But that wasn't how Spencer worked. She had to decide for herself.

Time passed. It felt like an eternity, but in reality it was probably only a moment or two. She shifted, lifting her face. She wasn't exactly looking at him, but she was acknowledging his presence, and that was progress. "You don't have to stay." Her hoarse voice pained his ears. He couldn't even imagine how it felt.

He ignored her ridiculous words. There was no where else he'd rather be. Her trembling shoulders were all that he could see. He shrugged out of his jacket and tenderly wrapped it around her shoulders. "I'm not going anywhere." He brushed the tears from her chilled skin. "I promised you I'd never leave you again, Spencer. And I meant that."

"I'm sorry," she whispered. "I'm s-so sorry."

His heart was breaking. "What are you talking about, Spencer?"

She didn't even hesitate this time before scrambling to her knees and throwing herself into his arms. He caught her easily and drew her into his chest. He ran a soothing hand in circles over her back. He frowned slightly. She had always been thin, but the bumps of her spine had never been quite so pronounced. How had he not noticed this? He was positive that he would never be able to forgive himself for failing her so monstrously _again. _The sting of his last failure hadn't even fully settled.

"I'm- I just- I-" she stuttered, trying to regain composure and failing miserably. "I just wanted to help." Her voice broke off at the end in a heartbreaking sob. "I didn't mean to hurt anyone. I just wanted to help."

"It's not your fault, Spencer. I'm sorry for letting you down again."

"What?" She whispered and wrenched away from his chest. "What are you talking about?"

"I just-" He didn't want to get into it, because he knew that she'd deny it vehemently. He didn't want to make this about him. "Don't worry about it, okay?"

She at him in a way that made him feel like she was seeing straight through him. Spencer always had an uncanny ability to tell exactly what he was thinking. She started to tremble despite the extra protection of his jacket. "Don't ever say that, Toby. Don't even think it, okay? This is **not **your fault."

He shook his head and closed his eyes, once again being weighed down by the burdens of the past.

_He watched Alison walk out of his room. He waited until he was sure she was gone before leaving his bedroom in search of the only person that really mattered in his life. His stomach still twisted in anger at Alison's jabs. "Mom?"_

_"In the kitchen, baby!"_

_She sounded considerably more cheerful, but such was life with her lately. She went from sad to tired to happy to confused in no time at all. A broad smile stretch across her face as he walked into the kitchen. "I'm making pancakes. Do you want some?"_

_He nodded hesitantly and sat down at the counter. "Mom?"_

_"Hmm?" She muttered distractedly. She was trying to hide it from him, but he had known her for his entire life. He could still see the underlying pain in her eyes._

_"I'm sorry," he whispered, looking down at the table. He wasn't really sure what he was apologizing for. Alison's insults? The sadness that was her constant companion? That he couldn't be a good enough son to help her feel better?_

_But understanding lit up her face all the same. Her hand covered his, and she didn't say anything until he made eye contact with her. "It's not your fault, Toby. You're the best son anyone could ever ask for."_

This wasn't about him. It was about Spencer. He brushed her hair back and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead. In one fluid motion he stood up, bringing her with him, and brought the the two of them into bed. He remembered how she had told him that when she was younger she would curl up under her pile of blankets in a little cocoon of cloth, because it blocked out the outside world. No matter what was going on... whether she was fighting with Melissa, worried about her grades, or uncomfortable under her parents' scrutiny... the blanket never failed to make her feel safe.

So that's what he did now. He tightened his grip on her, and lowered her onto the mattress. He didn't think that he physically had it in him to leave her right now, but the way her fingers tightened around his shirt stole any possibility that he might have had. He melted down next to her and pulled her thick comforter over their heads. His hands quickly tucked it around them, shutting out the world. All there was was the two of them, and it was as perfect as it was temporary.

"I'm a horrible person," she muttered, hiding her face from his searching eyes.

He took her chin, forcing her to look up at him. "What are you talking about, Spencer. You are _not _a horrible person."

"Maybe not, but I did something horrible," her voice cracked, and the tears started up again. "Don't tell me you can't see it too, Toby. The way everyone looks at me... the way they talk about me. They all know what I did, but I can't remember. I c_an't. _Why am I so stupid?" She brought her hands up over her eyes. "I'm always messing up, always making mistakes. I just wanted to help, and-"

He took both of her hands in his. "You're a really wonderful person that's gone through some horrible things. You've had to make choices that no one ever should have to make, and you've always decided in favor of protecting the people that you love. And that is the most important thing, Spencer. It's our choices that define who we are. You try to be a good person, and that's really all that matters."

"But-"

He silenced her with a soft kiss. "No buts. I know who you are Spencer. I know who you are deep down at your core, and there's only good there."

It wasn't often that Spencer was stunned into silence. He brought one of her hands to his face and pressed a soft kiss to each of her knuckles. The longer this game of terror continued the more he feared for her. She wouldn't fare well in a physical altercation. She would come out swinging, but unless it was someone of similar stature she would be overpowered easily. The thought of her being forcibly subdued by anyone was unbearable. He had to find a way to end this.

"Toby?" She whispered. She brushed her forehead across his collarbone before settling against the crook of his neck.

She had his immediate attention. He trailed a single finger down her jawline, watching its progress before lifting his eyes to meet hers. When she saw him looking at her she swallowed harshly. "Are you mad at me? Be honest, okay? Because I can't make it better if you don't tell me the truth."

"No," he breathed. "No, baby no." The fact that she even thought that had tears burning his eyes. "I'm mad at _myself. _I shouldn't have ever left. I shouldn't have put so much pressure on you. I never- I never should have hurt you to begin with. I'm not mad at you."

She nodded thoughtfully. "Now you listen to me, okay?" Her eyes were still full of tears, but they equally full of sincerity. She waited until he nodded briskly before continuing. "I've never-" she put a shaky hand on his cheek. "I've never felt like I belonged anywhere. I wasn't ambitious enough for my family. I was pretty enough, popular enough to fit in with my friends. They look at me to lead them, and they don't like it when I can't. I always felt like an outsider until I met you. Never, _never _feel like you aren't the best part of my life. Because you are."

She could obviously see his desire to protest so she too his hand and placed her in her chest. "I know what you're worried about," she whispered. "And I'm sorry for dredging up those memories. But I promise that I'm not like your mom. I'll beat this. I'm not going anywhere Toby." She hesitated before leaning in and kissing him. "I don't want to go to rehab, but if you'll be waiting for me on the other side then I'll do it."

"I'm not going anywhere," he repeated her earlier words. "You couldn't get rid of me if you tried." His hands found her shoulders and gently rolled her over. She scooted backwards, bringing her back to his chest. Usually he'd just wrap a lazy arm around her waist, but today he felt like he had to do more. He tightly wound both arms around her and clutched onto her. She needed to be reminded of his promise of forever. And if they could get through this they could get through anything.

He had no idea how long it took, but slowly her ragged breathing evened out and slowed until he knew that she was asleep. He buried his face in her hair and just took in her scent because he didn't know how long it would be before they were allowed alone time like this again. But if that was the price of her healing he would gladly pay it. He made sure to keep the blanket over them all night. He didn't know how helpful it was, but Spencer seemed peaceful for the first time in days. He wouldn't do anything to upset that.

The morning light came much too quickly. He hadn't slept at all, instead choosing to keep a vigilant eye over his vulnerable girlfriend. She began to stir just as her mother slid into her room and began to silently pack her a bag. He knew that Spencer was awake, but if she didn't want to move yet he wouldn't make her. An end to peaceful interlude would come soon enough.

"Spencer, we need to leave in ten minutes, sweetheart."

He reached for the blanket with a sigh and slowly lowered it, revealing Spencer's room innocently lit by the sun. It felt fresh, like a new start; but the horrors of the past still lingered, sending a mixed message. But what he did know was that he would fight like hell to destroy those demons that kept their hold on her. She would be happy again.

He moved to get up, but she suddenly rolled over, clinging to him like a child. He patiently pulled her into his lap, lightly rocking her back and forth. "You'll be okay, Spencer. I know it doesn't feel like it right now, but you are so loved. Everyone just wants to see you better."

She nodded against his shoulder. Her tears were, once again, soaking through his shirt, but that didn't matter. He had a ton of shirts. But there was only one of her. She was the only person in the world that he was sure that he loved unconditionally. He had gone to hell and back to keep her safe, and he wouldn't stop until the job was done.

He wasn't going to try to convince her that letting go of him was a good idea. Instead he stood up, bringing her with him. He carefully walked through the halls of the ostentatious Hastings house, and brought her down to the living room where both of her parents were waiting.

Mrs. Hastings shot him a grateful smile that he could only halfway return. He found it kind of cowardly that they left him to deal with their daughter all night. He had no issues picking of his girlfriend's broken pieces, but it wasn't just his approval that she was craving. He was certain that if her parents had just come to check on her last night it would have made all the difference in the world.

"You ready to go champ?" Mr. Hastings grabbed her bag and glanced at the two of them as though they were doing nothing more than saying goodbye.

Toby fought to not roll his eyes. He gently tilted her head up. "Be strong, okay? I'll be waiting for you when you're better. I meant what I said last night, Spence. You're never going to lose me."

She just looked at him with her bloodshot eyes for a moment before leaning up and attacking him with a kiss so passionate that he stumbled backwards a few steps before regaining his balance. He wrapped an arm around her waist and kissed her back. The whole world disappeared. Her lips conveyed everything he was feeling. Fear, desperation, uncertainty. But nothing was more prevalent than a deep and unshakable love. Nothing would ever change the fact that he loved Spencer Hastings more than he loved life itself.

She tore herself away and leaned, breathless against his forehead while they both caught their breath. Nothing mattered... not her parents, not their schedule. Nothing mattered but them. "I love you," she whispered. "Thank you," she added as a fervent afterthought.

"For what?" She had to know that she didn't have to thank him for comforting her.

"For believing in me. For just- for helping me to remember that I'm not a terrible person."

"You're _not _a terrible person," he agreed, his lips ghosting over hers. "I love you too."

She closed her eyes and pulled away from him like it took a great deal of strength. She walked outside and to the car without looking back. And he knew it wasn't because she didn't care, but because she cared too much.

He watch the vehicle get smaller and smaller as he turned over a plan in his mind. It may be a horrible choice, but he couldn't just sit in his apartment, waiting for her to get back. He had to do something.


End file.
